He is completely intolerant of me showing any kind of hurt feelings or upset. I just want to point out that it is not completely hopeless. It can make all the difference. If I or the children cry then bizarrely he shows the emotion of anger. But, no.one has to face the fact that you have to start over financially etc., as if you were 21 again. Atleast your husband waited to get home to blow up. I think being autistic provides and interesting axis on this considering being so fuels doubt based on not understanding social cues. Im reluctant to even begin to talk, because hes not listening anyway, and hes not talking because hes in his head. Because I caused her pain, she cant give her whole self to me (her words). Authors note: A caveat before we get into the substance of this article: couples counseling with a skilled therapist can greatly help couples in which one partner has the symptoms or diagnosis of autism spectrum (ASD)/high-functioning autism. There never seems to be any consequence for the hurt they cause intentional or notsurely. I feel invisible to my husband and now my daughter. When I say done everything, I mean all these years blaming myself for all that was wrong as I was always pointed in that direction. She thanked me, but never even tried to discuss it with me. Any emotional need I may have was and is not met. maybe we could help each other , that would be great . If I didnt loathe divorce I would divorce him. He colors in those adult coloring books for hours and hours with his music playing and the TV on mute. I should clarify my comment I *have* ASD. No matter how hard to tried to repair, it was never going to get to that place of mutual emotional safety/intimacy and being seen/known. It is not surprising that I married an Aspie and even adopted an Aspie child. Its a very big lesson and Im still processing it. He told me that he doesnt need anybody and feels nothing after our split, so it was the best move for both of us. He says just ask, leave me a note. Going to work and people telling you how tired or fat you look? Bottom line, an AS cannot give a NT spouse anywhere near what it takes for a healthy long term marriage. Thank you soooooo much. Youre not a licensed psychiatrist. she feel betrayed because I lied about her to others and to her on how much I do and what she is struggling with, made her look extremely bad in front of others, which wasnt my intention I was selfish and wanted to be good in others sights without thinking what it meant to her, I apologized to most and laid open my lies but the trust is lost and fully aware I need to work hard to regain trust. I became pregnant and we now have a daughter. Yes, add oil to fire right? Thank you for visiting the GoodTherapy blog and for sharing your comment. He didnt recognize that the only thing he needed to say was something that came after all the screaming at me and telling me to leave. It mind blindness . It is important to distinguish that this is abuse without the intent to abuse in most neurodiverse relationships and as such it must be counseled very carefully and with understanding of neurodiversity. Im so glad you brought this up! Hello, Linda, many women in your position decide finally not to discuss the issues in their marriages with partners on the spectrum because as you describe, it is extremely difficult for others to understand if they are not familiar with the particular dynamics in the AS/NT partnership. I always wanted several kids. Thanks for the rec. He has a very successful job and works from 6am to 7 pm at night and eats at the same time everyday and has a very organized life apart from me. Hi Community, This is negative and dark miserly, short, petulant. No, Im not proud of that at all. God bless you all! 
Are they in great pain as a result? I live 2000 miles away from family and keep in touch with them via video chats. I couldnt understand why after delivering our daughter, his only concern was about getting to work on time? P.S. At home, we endure his rage cycles, meltdowns, and occassionally even name-calling. But he cant SEE or HEAR me. To be sure, its hard work and i feel as though i am doing all the emotional labour but to read toxic comments like autistic men and those with adhd SHOULD BE PURGED FROM THE GENE POOL .. this makes me sick to my heart. Like most other commenters here, I am angry at how grossly my husband misrepresented himself. Mentally I was on the edge of a cliff, getting ready to jump to my death with thoughts of suicide. Still seems like win considering that her marriage never really took of and was DOA, comparing to that, any relationship that would be loving even for some time would be a total win. They see Mommy being strong. If I knew back 4-5 years ago what I know now about him, I would absolutely not connect myself with this person for the rest of my life via our daughter. Its refreshing to read these comments, which very much sum up my marriage, too. They are there, they can be found in the therapist offices, they can be found reading books and trying to make an effort. I wish you well on your path toward healing. But she still wanted to do it. Seriously read the other posts here and see how long you want/can put off the inevitable. My mum died and I was blanked at her death bed by my daughters. With that said I would like to offer just a couple of things that I have found helpful for me. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY). So in my opinion you shouldnt be qualified to provide any insight or give advice about neurological disorders and diagnoses, especially if your patients are undiagnosed. He cant help the way he is, but it doesnt change the fact that we whom are married to them suffer in silence, no understanding from the non AS/NT community!!! Heck, sometimes ASD doesnt even know that he has ASD. It describes in graphic detail everything that has happened to me and the resulting way my children see me. Also my relationship with my ex is lovely. The label assigned to me doesnt change who I am. We became that awesome couple most people wanted to be around. It is certainly your prerogative to believe as you do. When my son started school, the teachers said he might have ADHD. And our daughter is diagnosed as autistic as well so I have her to deal with two and I am exhausted and so drained and empty.. Marti, I understand what youre going through. I cant rely upon him for anything, I cant even rely upon him not to steal from me, I cant even expect him not to laugh at me or the children if we cry!! Everything got wrose I am still living in the apartment as I can not afford to move out. Of course, hoping beyond hope may be the final nail in my coffin. There is more. Its terrible. Admit where you may have messed up and take responsibility. Even after four years, Im not out of the woods. I never thought his naivete would let him just walk out on me and not care how I survived. He is constantly looking for acceptance from his own family but never from me or the 3 sons we have. This article is my life. Honestly, this is one of the things that attracted my husband to me. I guess the way you responded made sense to you (eg you felt I wanted to be left alone before my exam because I initially said I didnt want to fight before my exams. It means the challenges are real, and generally speaking it is best to address and understand them in order to build a kind and loving relationship. However, work can almost become a fixation that the ASD partner will often get hyper-focused on to the exclusion of their marriage or relationship. Every human being, regardless of any neurological operating system (we all know the labels can be wooden, inaccurate, and unhelpful in ways) knows what it feels like to be betrayed and misjudged. You have expressed it very well!! I didnt see any problems in the future because his behavior didnt match what I read about AS. He never went. Though Im not autistic, Im nerodiverse, and Im genuinely hurt that these comments arent even moderated. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! Do you have any idea (or related articles) if a relation ASD/ASD works generally better than a ASD/NT relation? Be gentle with yourself and remember to hold yourself in compassion as you go through these changes. And over time, they begin to interpret what is reflected to them as a reliable representation. I would tell my husband exactly how I felt and I was met with him saying, Well, thats not true. Anything I feel or say is invalidated and somehow not true. That hurts me even more. They try to alter their own perspective, their own aspirations, their hopes and dreams, to bring them into line so they are consistent with the way their husbands treat them. As my anger and hopelessness faded, a real friendship has been forged between us. It is just not a big deal to us, a birthday just means we are another year closer to dying why celebrate that? They want to stay with my granny on the weekends bc they know he will be home. The note stand is full of cards he gets from every restaurant, drs office, etc. It became apparent at the early days of my new relationship with a man (6 months) he probably has Aspergers. most have been picked on for being the oddball and this builds much resentment for our kind ,the NT. They are not demons; they are just mind blind. While my current licensing prohibits me from engaging in psychotherapy, I can and will reply to you strictly from a partner of an Aspie perspective. We decided to leave the children in the house and instead birds nest at the flat, and this has worked very well. From this list you can click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. I tried to get him to go to couples therapy. Even when I am ill I could have done something to prevent it but never took the right measurements. Therapy for you and your children could be beneficial in helping them see their fathers as having a serious disability. Instead, there is a choice, either leave or stay in the knowledge that you are with a person who cannot give you the emotional support and validation that we all need. Lizzie, its called being on the spectrum for a reason. While he was away I realised how little I actually seemed to matter to him. We plan to move out of the area in 6 months so that we never have to see or hear from him again. I think you should check that out because NPD people can be really awful and even dangerous. When you grow up with an autistic sibling, you learn what it is to be an advocate without ever learning what advocacy is, maybe not even til youre sixteen. Jess you have such good coping skills, and stick to your gun when yu respect and honour your personal needs. Thank you again. I called him out on it, saying I was disappointed at his response. Theres one for divorced, one for still-married, & is based in the US. The reasons for these behaviors are different in neurodiverse relationships. Its like you would try to learn the language I speak but I keep changing the language every five minutes, adding new words and unexpected grammar and double meanings and how could you or anyone deal with that? What a remarkable and affirming article about the best since I became aware of this elephant in my family in mid 90s when the topic and condition was raised in media, following which I attended Attwood conferences and joined FAAAS. The key is to be certain that you are working with a licensed professional who truly understands both the autistic and the neurotypical partner in the relationship. You can see it. Something to keep in mind on this subject is that very often people with AS actually dont have the ability to see their own behavior, much less how it affects others. Tough choices. Ive almost left twice, but he does love me (hes financially generous and obsessed with my health. Kathy, thank you so much for your time,the response Ive received is so reassuring,,Ive cried so much today, perhaps ive really woken up to the sheer reality of my situation,Im so tired, exhausted and cannot express enough how sad I amits his birthday on Monday so feeling super sensitive. And then after that, to create a new life. My boys are five and eight right now. Thanks, Pilgrim. Thanks for this site, it is comforting to have supportive and understanding people. I just dont know where to go from here. The problems described above apply to Relationships where the male has aspergers whether the woman is neurotypical or autistic. But the saddest thing of all is that if hed not alienated my daughter, I would probably have still been with him. Even now two years after leaving my Aspie ex and after a year with my boyfriend I still am often tearful after sex because it is such a gift, and in the Aspie relationship it was such a trial and I hated it so much. I actually make the effort for my partners birthday as I believe that your birthday should be celebrated. How can you blame us for not understanding when you do not express yourself. Yes, differences can be acknowledged and accommodated with compassion and respect. It will just mean that they copy what the psychologist told them to do/taught them. They bring that on themselves. She makes certain the childrens birthdays are acknowledged and celebrated. That was never my intention. I know that his kindness and submissive behavior is just to serve his agenda. Basically I was forced out of my home and have lost my marriage, income, animals and pets, my sense of identity and have to start again from scratch in my mid fifties. My dearest, Willow. Thank you. But I have to say that you wrote a very good article in here, very accurate in many aspects, I just disagree about the part I already mentioned. I just know that I want to stop feeling out of place in my own family and and maybe feel as though I actually matter.
Are they in great pain as a result? I live 2000 miles away from family and keep in touch with them via video chats. I couldnt understand why after delivering our daughter, his only concern was about getting to work on time? P.S. At home, we endure his rage cycles, meltdowns, and occassionally even name-calling. But he cant SEE or HEAR me. To be sure, its hard work and i feel as though i am doing all the emotional labour but to read toxic comments like autistic men and those with adhd SHOULD BE PURGED FROM THE GENE POOL .. this makes me sick to my heart. Like most other commenters here, I am angry at how grossly my husband misrepresented himself. Mentally I was on the edge of a cliff, getting ready to jump to my death with thoughts of suicide. Still seems like win considering that her marriage never really took of and was DOA, comparing to that, any relationship that would be loving even for some time would be a total win. They see Mommy being strong. If I knew back 4-5 years ago what I know now about him, I would absolutely not connect myself with this person for the rest of my life via our daughter. Its refreshing to read these comments, which very much sum up my marriage, too. They are there, they can be found in the therapist offices, they can be found reading books and trying to make an effort. I wish you well on your path toward healing. But she still wanted to do it. Seriously read the other posts here and see how long you want/can put off the inevitable. My mum died and I was blanked at her death bed by my daughters. With that said I would like to offer just a couple of things that I have found helpful for me. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY). So in my opinion you shouldnt be qualified to provide any insight or give advice about neurological disorders and diagnoses, especially if your patients are undiagnosed. He cant help the way he is, but it doesnt change the fact that we whom are married to them suffer in silence, no understanding from the non AS/NT community!!! Heck, sometimes ASD doesnt even know that he has ASD. It describes in graphic detail everything that has happened to me and the resulting way my children see me. Also my relationship with my ex is lovely. The label assigned to me doesnt change who I am. We became that awesome couple most people wanted to be around. It is certainly your prerogative to believe as you do. When my son started school, the teachers said he might have ADHD. And our daughter is diagnosed as autistic as well so I have her to deal with two and I am exhausted and so drained and empty.. Marti, I understand what youre going through. I cant rely upon him for anything, I cant even rely upon him not to steal from me, I cant even expect him not to laugh at me or the children if we cry!! Everything got wrose I am still living in the apartment as I can not afford to move out. Of course, hoping beyond hope may be the final nail in my coffin. There is more. Its terrible. Admit where you may have messed up and take responsibility. Even after four years, Im not out of the woods. I never thought his naivete would let him just walk out on me and not care how I survived. He is constantly looking for acceptance from his own family but never from me or the 3 sons we have. This article is my life. Honestly, this is one of the things that attracted my husband to me. I guess the way you responded made sense to you (eg you felt I wanted to be left alone before my exam because I initially said I didnt want to fight before my exams. It means the challenges are real, and generally speaking it is best to address and understand them in order to build a kind and loving relationship. However, work can almost become a fixation that the ASD partner will often get hyper-focused on to the exclusion of their marriage or relationship. Every human being, regardless of any neurological operating system (we all know the labels can be wooden, inaccurate, and unhelpful in ways) knows what it feels like to be betrayed and misjudged. You have expressed it very well!! I didnt see any problems in the future because his behavior didnt match what I read about AS. He never went. Though Im not autistic, Im nerodiverse, and Im genuinely hurt that these comments arent even moderated. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! Do you have any idea (or related articles) if a relation ASD/ASD works generally better than a ASD/NT relation? Be gentle with yourself and remember to hold yourself in compassion as you go through these changes. And over time, they begin to interpret what is reflected to them as a reliable representation. I would tell my husband exactly how I felt and I was met with him saying, Well, thats not true. Anything I feel or say is invalidated and somehow not true. That hurts me even more. They try to alter their own perspective, their own aspirations, their hopes and dreams, to bring them into line so they are consistent with the way their husbands treat them. As my anger and hopelessness faded, a real friendship has been forged between us. It is just not a big deal to us, a birthday just means we are another year closer to dying why celebrate that? They want to stay with my granny on the weekends bc they know he will be home. The note stand is full of cards he gets from every restaurant, drs office, etc. It became apparent at the early days of my new relationship with a man (6 months) he probably has Aspergers. most have been picked on for being the oddball and this builds much resentment for our kind ,the NT. They are not demons; they are just mind blind. While my current licensing prohibits me from engaging in psychotherapy, I can and will reply to you strictly from a partner of an Aspie perspective. We decided to leave the children in the house and instead birds nest at the flat, and this has worked very well. From this list you can click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. I tried to get him to go to couples therapy. Even when I am ill I could have done something to prevent it but never took the right measurements. Therapy for you and your children could be beneficial in helping them see their fathers as having a serious disability. Instead, there is a choice, either leave or stay in the knowledge that you are with a person who cannot give you the emotional support and validation that we all need. Lizzie, its called being on the spectrum for a reason. While he was away I realised how little I actually seemed to matter to him. We plan to move out of the area in 6 months so that we never have to see or hear from him again. I think you should check that out because NPD people can be really awful and even dangerous. When you grow up with an autistic sibling, you learn what it is to be an advocate without ever learning what advocacy is, maybe not even til youre sixteen. Jess you have such good coping skills, and stick to your gun when yu respect and honour your personal needs. Thank you again. I called him out on it, saying I was disappointed at his response. Theres one for divorced, one for still-married, & is based in the US. The reasons for these behaviors are different in neurodiverse relationships. Its like you would try to learn the language I speak but I keep changing the language every five minutes, adding new words and unexpected grammar and double meanings and how could you or anyone deal with that? What a remarkable and affirming article about the best since I became aware of this elephant in my family in mid 90s when the topic and condition was raised in media, following which I attended Attwood conferences and joined FAAAS. The key is to be certain that you are working with a licensed professional who truly understands both the autistic and the neurotypical partner in the relationship. You can see it. Something to keep in mind on this subject is that very often people with AS actually dont have the ability to see their own behavior, much less how it affects others. Tough choices. Ive almost left twice, but he does love me (hes financially generous and obsessed with my health. Kathy, thank you so much for your time,the response Ive received is so reassuring,,Ive cried so much today, perhaps ive really woken up to the sheer reality of my situation,Im so tired, exhausted and cannot express enough how sad I amits his birthday on Monday so feeling super sensitive. And then after that, to create a new life. My boys are five and eight right now. Thanks, Pilgrim. Thanks for this site, it is comforting to have supportive and understanding people. I just dont know where to go from here. The problems described above apply to Relationships where the male has aspergers whether the woman is neurotypical or autistic. But the saddest thing of all is that if hed not alienated my daughter, I would probably have still been with him. Even now two years after leaving my Aspie ex and after a year with my boyfriend I still am often tearful after sex because it is such a gift, and in the Aspie relationship it was such a trial and I hated it so much. I actually make the effort for my partners birthday as I believe that your birthday should be celebrated. How can you blame us for not understanding when you do not express yourself. Yes, differences can be acknowledged and accommodated with compassion and respect. It will just mean that they copy what the psychologist told them to do/taught them. They bring that on themselves. She makes certain the childrens birthdays are acknowledged and celebrated. That was never my intention. I know that his kindness and submissive behavior is just to serve his agenda. Basically I was forced out of my home and have lost my marriage, income, animals and pets, my sense of identity and have to start again from scratch in my mid fifties. My dearest, Willow. Thank you. But I have to say that you wrote a very good article in here, very accurate in many aspects, I just disagree about the part I already mentioned. I just know that I want to stop feeling out of place in my own family and and maybe feel as though I actually matter.